My relationship is falling apart. Not really sure how it got here but it all seems very unfair.

It always goes back to CD

My brain is re-tracing its steps back to CD. This is a person...a magnetic person. Someone I most definitely do not want to forget but maybe someone I should forget. Ugh. Who writes the rules on should and shouldn't anyways.

I think everyone has that person they think about when things aren't the way they want or relationships are not going the way they want. Basically, when I want a change I think of CD and how I could always count on him to at least shake things up for me. He either made me regret my actions or want to do everything again. He was so smooth, even when we first met and I was so awkward talking about the "famous" Irish movie Boondock Saints. Ohhhh I was so nervous. He was probably the first man that made me feel comfortable displaying emotion. Kind of a weird thing to remember about him but he made me realize emotion was human and not an embarrassing thing. My current person does not bring this out in me. CD brought out a lot in me. During times like now I am thankful this person is in a different country. I was always horrible at controlling myself around him.

A lot of things about our relationship were unhealthy and not something I should pine away for but the truth is, we never really got to explore what we had. By the time he realized I was really exiting his life, there was no time to do anything but say goodbye. He was always quite good at pretending nothing was serious and love came and went like vacation.

Oh, well. At least he is always there to fantasize about. Him and his stupidly wonderful and sexy irish accent. Mmm.

since the shake

I haven't been able to stop dreaming of earthquakes. I will have a few nights of non earthquake dreams, and then the shake dreams will come back. Lately, they've been earthquake dreams of my house. I don't think these dreams are difficult to interpret. The first one I had once I got home, my house was cracking in half because the shake was so violent. My family didn't think it was a problem and refused to leave the house, stapling the huge crack instead and saying it was fine to live in and not to worry.

The second one, I was in my grandma's house and the living room started spinning because of the shaking and no one payed attention until I forced them to leave the house because houses in Wisconsin aren't built for earthquakes. After that shake I got on a bus that I had been riding somewhere with a guy I used to hang out with named Mike. I was looking for Mike but couldn't find him anywhere and when I did find him, he was indifferent.

I also often have dreams where I'm just waking up and I am convinced there's an earthquake but I can't force myself awake to run away.

I feel like I shouldn't be as affected as I am by it all but I am affected. I still feel emotional over it and it feels like it's all being swept under something, like it's not something I should talk about anymore. I wonder if it was a mistake to leave the people who were supporting me there, the people who understood what was happening and the true magnitude of it. At least I'm not alone in my house and that was truly one of my biggest struggles in Japan: being alone. I need to trust that God has a plan and has ordered my steps. I still think I made the right decision and He will work it out. I just need to keep working!