I have never had secrets. I am an open woman, I tell the truth no matter what. This has gotten me into trouble before but I have never regretted letting it all hang out, so to speak. Until now. I have a secret. I am not sure if I have told anyone that matters but I am pretty sure I haven't. I'm ashamed. Well....I'm ashamed of what they would think of me but don't think anything bad about myself. I guess that means I am not actually ashamed but I can confidently say I am protecting my reputation by keeping this a secret.
My secret is not one thing. It is an entire two weeks. I went on a trip to Europe and selectively have been telling people about it. Why? Not because I did anything heinous, because I definitely did not. Not according to me anyways. I am keeping most of it to myself because it contradicts what I believe I am supposed to represent. Maybe that sounds strange but it is absolutely true. Here is a brief outline of what happened on vacation:
1. Lots of drinking. To the point of not remembering at last half of most nights. I thoroughly enjoyed this and was blissfully happy.
2. Sex with an almost stranger. I met him a couple times before we actually had sex but once we did....it ended with me being closer to an orgasm than I have been in 9 months. I should have done it more.
3. Making out with someone who was 7 years younger than me. Ohhhhhh, it was good.
I guess that's it. So why the guilt? Well, I was raised as a very moral, conservative, right wing, republican, Christian. I'm still Christian....but the rest doesn't fit so well. I attended a very conserative University and now work for a well known, Christian organization. I'm pretty sure the ideal "me" is not supposed to do the above things, ever, even on vacation.
The worst part to me is I didn't feel guilt. Instead I felt something intensely profound. Which means it wasn't horrible that I didn't feel guilt. Something that made me think I didn't need to do the things I did. I felt grace. I felt and knew that God didn't hate/dislike me for the things I'd done. He still loved me...for who I was. I could do anything and God would still love me. That is what I felt. I had never understood it before, never fully comprehended grace. I still don't. However, it felt like I got a glimpse of what grace was: something unconditional. Something we get because of GOD not because of us. That means that no matter what we do, we will never *merit* grace, we get it because we are unconditionally loved by a being that IS love.
That was extremely profound to me. That thought and overwhelmingly knowing made me feel more loved and valued than anything I'd done on vacation could have made me feel. I finally got to have a glimpse of what it's like to be wooed back to Jesus and completely understand why condemnation gets us nowhere. No one responds to that. People respond to love. Because love is so beautiful, you can't ignore it when it's calling. Maybe now I can continue on my path to loving through learning how God loves me.
My secret is not one thing. It is an entire two weeks. I went on a trip to Europe and selectively have been telling people about it. Why? Not because I did anything heinous, because I definitely did not. Not according to me anyways. I am keeping most of it to myself because it contradicts what I believe I am supposed to represent. Maybe that sounds strange but it is absolutely true. Here is a brief outline of what happened on vacation:
1. Lots of drinking. To the point of not remembering at last half of most nights. I thoroughly enjoyed this and was blissfully happy.
2. Sex with an almost stranger. I met him a couple times before we actually had sex but once we did....it ended with me being closer to an orgasm than I have been in 9 months. I should have done it more.
3. Making out with someone who was 7 years younger than me. Ohhhhhh, it was good.
I guess that's it. So why the guilt? Well, I was raised as a very moral, conservative, right wing, republican, Christian. I'm still Christian....but the rest doesn't fit so well. I attended a very conserative University and now work for a well known, Christian organization. I'm pretty sure the ideal "me" is not supposed to do the above things, ever, even on vacation.
The worst part to me is I didn't feel guilt. Instead I felt something intensely profound. Which means it wasn't horrible that I didn't feel guilt. Something that made me think I didn't need to do the things I did. I felt grace. I felt and knew that God didn't hate/dislike me for the things I'd done. He still loved me...for who I was. I could do anything and God would still love me. That is what I felt. I had never understood it before, never fully comprehended grace. I still don't. However, it felt like I got a glimpse of what grace was: something unconditional. Something we get because of GOD not because of us. That means that no matter what we do, we will never *merit* grace, we get it because we are unconditionally loved by a being that IS love.
That was extremely profound to me. That thought and overwhelmingly knowing made me feel more loved and valued than anything I'd done on vacation could have made me feel. I finally got to have a glimpse of what it's like to be wooed back to Jesus and completely understand why condemnation gets us nowhere. No one responds to that. People respond to love. Because love is so beautiful, you can't ignore it when it's calling. Maybe now I can continue on my path to loving through learning how God loves me.
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