No secrets

I have never had secrets. I am an open woman, I tell the truth no matter what. This has gotten me into trouble before but I have never regretted letting it all hang out, so to speak. Until now. I have a secret. I am not sure if I have told anyone that matters but I am pretty sure I haven't. I'm ashamed. Well....I'm ashamed of what they would think of me but don't think anything bad about myself. I guess that means I am not actually ashamed but I can confidently say I am protecting my reputation by keeping this a secret.

My secret is not one thing. It is an entire two weeks. I went on a trip to Europe and selectively have been telling people about it. Why? Not because I did anything heinous, because I definitely did not. Not according to me anyways. I am keeping most of it to myself because it contradicts what I believe I am supposed to represent. Maybe that sounds strange but it is absolutely true. Here is a brief outline of what happened on vacation:
   
       1. Lots of drinking. To the point of not remembering at last half of most nights. I thoroughly enjoyed this and was blissfully happy.
       2. Sex with an almost stranger. I met him a couple times before we actually had sex but once we did....it ended with me being closer to an orgasm than I have been in 9 months. I should have done it more.
      3. Making out with someone who was 7 years younger than me. Ohhhhhh, it was good.

I guess that's it. So why the guilt? Well, I was raised as a very moral, conservative, right wing, republican, Christian. I'm still Christian....but the rest doesn't fit so well. I attended a very conserative University and now work for a well known, Christian organization. I'm pretty sure the ideal "me" is not supposed to do the above things, ever, even on vacation.

The worst part to me is I didn't feel guilt. Instead I felt something intensely profound. Which means it wasn't horrible that I didn't feel guilt. Something that made me think I didn't need to do the things I did. I felt grace. I felt and knew that God didn't hate/dislike me for the things I'd done. He still loved me...for who I was. I could do anything and God would still love me. That is what I felt. I had never understood it before, never fully comprehended grace. I still don't. However, it felt like I got a glimpse of what grace was: something unconditional. Something we get because of GOD not because of us. That means that no matter what we do, we will never *merit* grace, we get it because we are unconditionally loved by a being that IS love.

That was extremely profound to me. That thought and overwhelmingly knowing made me feel more loved and valued than anything I'd done on vacation could have made me feel. I finally got to have a glimpse of what it's like to be wooed back to Jesus and completely understand why condemnation gets us nowhere. No one responds to that. People respond to love. Because love is so beautiful, you can't ignore it when it's calling. Maybe now I can continue on my path to loving through learning how God loves me.

My relationship is falling apart. Not really sure how it got here but it all seems very unfair.

It always goes back to CD

My brain is re-tracing its steps back to CD. This is a person...a magnetic person. Someone I most definitely do not want to forget but maybe someone I should forget. Ugh. Who writes the rules on should and shouldn't anyways.

I think everyone has that person they think about when things aren't the way they want or relationships are not going the way they want. Basically, when I want a change I think of CD and how I could always count on him to at least shake things up for me. He either made me regret my actions or want to do everything again. He was so smooth, even when we first met and I was so awkward talking about the "famous" Irish movie Boondock Saints. Ohhhh I was so nervous. He was probably the first man that made me feel comfortable displaying emotion. Kind of a weird thing to remember about him but he made me realize emotion was human and not an embarrassing thing. My current person does not bring this out in me. CD brought out a lot in me. During times like now I am thankful this person is in a different country. I was always horrible at controlling myself around him.

A lot of things about our relationship were unhealthy and not something I should pine away for but the truth is, we never really got to explore what we had. By the time he realized I was really exiting his life, there was no time to do anything but say goodbye. He was always quite good at pretending nothing was serious and love came and went like vacation.

Oh, well. At least he is always there to fantasize about. Him and his stupidly wonderful and sexy irish accent. Mmm.

since the shake

I haven't been able to stop dreaming of earthquakes. I will have a few nights of non earthquake dreams, and then the shake dreams will come back. Lately, they've been earthquake dreams of my house. I don't think these dreams are difficult to interpret. The first one I had once I got home, my house was cracking in half because the shake was so violent. My family didn't think it was a problem and refused to leave the house, stapling the huge crack instead and saying it was fine to live in and not to worry.

The second one, I was in my grandma's house and the living room started spinning because of the shaking and no one payed attention until I forced them to leave the house because houses in Wisconsin aren't built for earthquakes. After that shake I got on a bus that I had been riding somewhere with a guy I used to hang out with named Mike. I was looking for Mike but couldn't find him anywhere and when I did find him, he was indifferent.

I also often have dreams where I'm just waking up and I am convinced there's an earthquake but I can't force myself awake to run away.

I feel like I shouldn't be as affected as I am by it all but I am affected. I still feel emotional over it and it feels like it's all being swept under something, like it's not something I should talk about anymore. I wonder if it was a mistake to leave the people who were supporting me there, the people who understood what was happening and the true magnitude of it. At least I'm not alone in my house and that was truly one of my biggest struggles in Japan: being alone. I need to trust that God has a plan and has ordered my steps. I still think I made the right decision and He will work it out. I just need to keep working!